Wow.

This is a new one by me:

(actual phone call)

Me: Cozyland Regional Library, how may I help you?
Confused Patron: Yes, I hope you can help me, but I am not sure you can, because I have so little information for you...I saw this book talked about on tv, and I must have thought it sounded interesting, because I wrote down that I'd like to get it for all the female members of my family...
Me: Okay, what do you know about it?
CP: Well, the title is three words, and they're something like, something, something, love...
Me: Do you mean, Eat Pray Love?
CP: Yes! That's it! Could I order it please?
Me: Sure, though I know it is very popular right now, so you'll have to wait a bit after I put it on hold for you...
CP: Oh that's okay, it's for Christmas.
Um, huh?
Me: Okay, well I can place the hold for you...
CP: How much does it cost?
Me: Oh, you want to buy it?
CP: Well, yes...
Me: Um, this is the library...I mean, I could look up a bookstore phone number for you, if you like.
CP: Oh! This is the library? Oh!
Me: Yes, but I could get you the phone number...
CP: Yes, that would be great. I'm sorry!
Me: It's okay, let me look it up.

So...I did say "library" when I greeted her. In the words of one of my favorite children's books: Wow. That's just about all I can say. Wow.

Mean Ned

Mean Ned scared the hell out of me when I started working at the library. He is almost unintelligible due to massive scarring on half of his face (the rumor is that he tried to shoot himself, but survived). We think he is trying to market some strange device that he has invented. He stalks up to the desk and mutters commands, never in the form of a question.

Me: Hi, can I help you?
Mean Ned: Ahmeetohicelectomoters dot com
Me: I'm sorry, could you repeat that?
Mean Ned (giving me the stink eye with his one eye): Ahmeetohicelectomoters dot com
Me: Could you write it down?
(writes "ACME TOXIC ELECTROMOTORS.COM" on a chit of paper and passes it to me. I type this into my address bar and am taken to a sparse site.)
Me: Okay, here it is. What do you need to find on here?
(Mean Ned then turns the monitor so he can see it and points at links on the site saying "Click here...click here..." As I do so he gets more and more frustrated.)
Me: Maybe I could help you find something?
Mean Ned: I need the 800 number.
Me (after clicking on "Contact Us): Hmm, it looks like they don't have one, but I can print their contact info for you...
Mean Ned: No, I need an 800 number.
(I check some t0ll-free number databases and our printed resource, with no luck.)
Me: I'm sorry, it looks like they don't have one.
Mean Ned: I need the 800 number. I'll come back later to get it. (This means we are expected to work on finding this information for him and then keep it at the desk for him to collect (or not) at his convenience.)

Other requests of his have included:

a list of all the engineering pr0fessors at the local university and their h0me addresses.

President Bush's schedule for his last visit to the area, including the hotels he would be staying in.

a list of all the electrical engineers in the country who specialize in tes1a electr!c!ty and their office phone numbers.

It's almost scarier when he's in a good mood. He frequently asks my coworker to be in his "reality show." We shudder to think what that could be like.