Mean Ned

Mean Ned scared the hell out of me when I started working at the library. He is almost unintelligible due to massive scarring on half of his face (the rumor is that he tried to shoot himself, but survived). We think he is trying to market some strange device that he has invented. He stalks up to the desk and mutters commands, never in the form of a question.

Me: Hi, can I help you?
Mean Ned: Ahmeetohicelectomoters dot com
Me: I'm sorry, could you repeat that?
Mean Ned (giving me the stink eye with his one eye): Ahmeetohicelectomoters dot com
Me: Could you write it down?
(writes "ACME TOXIC ELECTROMOTORS.COM" on a chit of paper and passes it to me. I type this into my address bar and am taken to a sparse site.)
Me: Okay, here it is. What do you need to find on here?
(Mean Ned then turns the monitor so he can see it and points at links on the site saying "Click here...click here..." As I do so he gets more and more frustrated.)
Me: Maybe I could help you find something?
Mean Ned: I need the 800 number.
Me (after clicking on "Contact Us): Hmm, it looks like they don't have one, but I can print their contact info for you...
Mean Ned: No, I need an 800 number.
(I check some t0ll-free number databases and our printed resource, with no luck.)
Me: I'm sorry, it looks like they don't have one.
Mean Ned: I need the 800 number. I'll come back later to get it. (This means we are expected to work on finding this information for him and then keep it at the desk for him to collect (or not) at his convenience.)

Other requests of his have included:

a list of all the engineering pr0fessors at the local university and their h0me addresses.

President Bush's schedule for his last visit to the area, including the hotels he would be staying in.

a list of all the electrical engineers in the country who specialize in tes1a electr!c!ty and their office phone numbers.

It's almost scarier when he's in a good mood. He frequently asks my coworker to be in his "reality show." We shudder to think what that could be like.