Day 7, I might lose it.

Today marks seven days in a row at the library (don't ask, it was a stupid and fatal mistake of shift switching to be nice). I simply can't take another patron asking me:

"When are you due?"
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"Is this your first?"

First of all, why do these people care? I don't go around asking personal questions of them, although it could go something like:

(Upon seeing a wedding ring:) "Are you married? What does he/she do? Is this your first marriage?"
(Upon smelling a patron's funk:) "Is that cat-box I smell? Do you have a cat? How many? Males or females?"
(Upon spotting a rug:) "How long have you worn a toupee? Does it itch?"

I mean, maybe if the people had a nice thing to say as well, like "Congratulations!" or "You look fantastic!" I wouldn't mind, but they don't! They just feel that they are entitled to know everything about me simply because my belly sticks out and has a baby in it. So I have come up with the solution of making a little sign for the back of my I.D. tag (which hangs at the exact height of my belly):

Due Date: July 30th
Gender: Surprise
First Child: Yes
Thank You.

It's more polite than I should be, but I must maintain my sweet librarian image. Little do they know.

TV Guide Guy

When I first started working at the Cozyland Regional Library, I noticed that our message board for the office had one corner that was dedicated to a daily tally. It read: "TV Guide Guy." Under it was today's date, then hash marks. I asked what this tally was for, and this is when I first learned of the TV Guide Guy.

For years and years, a patron has called the Cozy County Answer Line to have the staff read to him from the TV Guide. He would ask the staff member to read the schedule, and then to read summaries of the shows he was interested in (generally seedy talk shows with summaries like, "I Slept with my Brother and had His Two-Headed Lovechild"). The Answer Line has a time limit of about 5 minutes per call, so they would cut off TV Guide Guy and he would call back. This would go on all day everyday. So, a rule was made that each patron had a limit of 3 calls per day. Keep in mind that he is the only patron (with some minor and temporary exceptions) for whom the library has had to enforce this rule.

At some point, TV Guide Guy began asking that news headlines (mostly Canadian) be read to him over the phone, while he repeated them into a tape recorder. I am told that TV Guide Guy is visually impaired, and that he records the headlines, then has someone (I can't even imagine the suckiness of having to do this job) read the articles he is interested in aloud to him at a later time.

Also at some point, TV Guide Guy realized that if he called the Answer Line three times, he could then get three more calls out of the Cozyland Regional Library staff (these being two separate services, you see). Hence the tallying of his calls for each day.

For almost a year, I never once got TV Guide Guy on the phone. All I knew about him, besides the tally, was that I would occasionally overhear a coworker on the phone with him. You could tell, because the call went something like this:

"Father kills daughter with machete. (pause)
Government sends secret forces to Yemen. (pause)
Tornado kills 18 and one cow. (pause)
12 year-old boy rapes 3."

And so on.

The first time I answered the phone and it was him, I didn't even know. All he said was, "611 News dot com this is my second call." I also neglected to check my clock when the call started, so I ended up staying on with him for eight minutes instead of five. I felt so used.

But I did get to add a hash mark with a pretty aqua marker.

Introducing Whoop! G0ldberg Lady

WGL's first phone call of the day (of several, I have no doubt):

Me: Cozyland Regional Library, how may I help you?
WGL: Can you tell me when Evan Almighty is playing at MEH Cinemas?
Me: Sure, just a moment.
(I learned long ago that it is best to place WGL on hold while searching, to avoid the endless questions such as "Do you like Red Robin? Is it bad that I like it?" and "Is movie popcorn fattening?")
Me: Okay, Evan Almighty is playing at MEH Cinemas at 11:15am, 2:00pm...
WGL: 11:15, okay. Did you see it?
Me: No.
WGL: Is it supposed to be good?
Me: I don't know.
WGL: What's the number for the Cozy County Answer Line?
(Note: This service is conducted about 30 feet from where I am sitting, and is staffed by very nice people. However, I am always willing to share the joy of WGL.)
Me: It's 425-...
WGL: Is there an 800 number?
Me: Yes, it's 800-555-5000.
WGL: And they are there right now?
Me: Yes.
WGL: And the number is 425-5000?
Me: No, it's 800-555-5000.
WGL: Can I call back later if I have more questions?
Me: .......sure.

Must you bless my belly?

A former co-worker came in a few days ago to visit. She made it a point to come by my desk and ask how I was feeling. After I told her how very well I was and thanked her, she placed her hands (uninvited, mind) upon my belly and began praising the "father of Abraham" and entreating him to watch over my baby. This went on for several more praisings, then she left.

My belly was offended that she didn't mention Sarah.

Selectively mute?

More proof that librarians are not even worth the breath required to speak.

A youngish, short man in dark t-shirt and underwear-bearing slouchy shorts approached the desk. He was wearing huge dark sunglasses and had headphones around his neck playing loudly enough that I could hear the music quite clearly (you may be imagining bad R&B, and you would be correct).

The man ignored my greeting, took a piece of scratch paper, scribbled on it, then handed it to me. It said "cufflinks."

"Did you lose some cufflinks?" I asked.

(silence and staring ahead through dark glasses)

"Okay, let me see if any have been turned in. Nope, no cuff links."

(picks up paper and points at computer screen)

"Oh, you need a book about cuff links?"

(slight nod of head)

"Okay, let me see what I can find." I type "cufflinks" into the catalog, and only get one jewelry appraising book. "Was this the sort of thing you were looking for?"

(exasperated shake of head)

"Well, that's all that's coming up for me."

"That's funny, because I saw a book on cuff links here last week," the man says in perfect English.

"Oh, well, maybe it's two separate words, then?" I say and search. Sure enough, there are a couple books on the elusive cuff links (two separate words).

I write down the call number and direct him to the third floor, "where all the other books on fashion are!" I say (hopefully loudly enough to be audible by several other library patrons).

Come for the stories

My friends often ask me, "So, any new stories about crazy people in the library?" As a librarian at a large regional branch in the greater Seattle area, I meet my share of "interesting" people, and often expound (well, mostly just vent) about the most eccentric of them. I thought that my friends might enjoy reading about them here on this brand-spanking-new blog when they (or anyone else, for that matter) have a jonesing for a good crazy-person story. If crazy people aren't your thing, I will also include reference questions that come my way which fall under the "there are no stupid questions, but geez that's pretty close" category. All in good fun.

I was inspired by the blog Tales from the Liberry. He gets some really interesting characters over there, too.

I have to admit that with our first child due at the end of July, this may quickly become a baby blog with library stories on the side, but for now, I hope you enjoy these tales. Hopefully you will remember them, and say something nice to the librarian the next time you are in a library.