The Princess Returns

After several months taking care of my adorable little one, I am back at the library. It really is lovely to be able to have conversations with adults, even if some of the adults I help are one sandwich short of a picnic.

Some of my favorite patrons were in today, though I didn't have to assist them all myself (thankfully). WGL grilled a coworker on the fat content of movie popcorn (one of her favorite topics), "Is popcorn fattening? What if there's butter on it?" "Do you like popcorn?" She was also looking for b!g red loll!p0ps "like the one I got from Santa a long time ago." Hmm.

Mean Ned was also here, asking for his toll-free numbers for obscure engineering companies as usual, and trying to get us to give him extended computer time. I will save him for another time.

My coworker commented that it seems as if during the holidays, we have a lower number of patrons around overall, but the percentage of crazies rises. He says that all the normal people have things to do over the holidays, whereas the more interesting patrons...don't. So they come into the library (or call, or send us email) and get their holiday happiness from making us nuts.

Last day of work!!!

Yes, today is my last day at the library until October. I will be holed up reading HP 7 tomorrow, but after that, I predict that I will spend what baby-free time I have left organizing the closets, napping, and watching HGTV. Thrilling, I know.

So, about HP 7. Oh, for those of you who need it spelled out (I really can't imagine that's any of my readers) that's Harry Potter Book 7. I have only read 3 pages so far, and I am living in fear that I will accidentally hear about how it ends. I have stopped looking at the news online, I am not watching TV or hanging around the children's area of the library, just in case it is being discussed. Two of my co-workers opened the thing up yesterday and read the last chapter. How could they do that??? I feel like I have waited so long, it would be a waste not to get there the good old fashioned way. Another co-worker stayed up until 6am this morning to finish it. I might have to stop back in to work this week so we can discuss.

Yesterday the library, along with every other library in the country I'm sure, hosted an HP Extravaganza with activities and festivities. Kids were coming in dressed in costumes, and there was a magician and a wizard rock band (here's some more info on this music movement). On my way to work I stopped in the grocery store and was in line behind a woman and her son. They were buying the last two copies that the store was selling (I am still floored by books being sold in the grocery store, especially ones without Fabio on the cover), and the boy was reading it in line.

I continue to be amazed by the sensation that this series has caused. Why HP? I think that Rowling is a great storyteller, and I love the story myself, it's just that I love lots of stories, but they haven't done for books and reading what HP has. I read an article (Why we're wild about Harry! Tamra Orr. Writing. Stamford: Oct 2000. Vol. 23, Iss. 2; pg. 4) that gave several reasons for this particular author's success:

• Humor


• Rowlings' descriptive power


• Rowlings' knack for building suspense


• The fact that the HP books share the qualities of all great fantasies, namely:




• A wealth of detail


• Fantasy world is consistent


• Root the fantasy in reality


• Emotional truth

I would add that the HP books appeal to a range of ages. Many series are written at the same maturity level throughout. HP grows up in his series, and the storytelling grows up with him. I have often said that although a child in third grade might love HP 1 and 2, around HP 4 the books become more young adult and less juvenile. This makes Harry realistic and interesting for readers of all ages.

I suppose the library stories will be on hold for a few months. I hope you enjoyed this brief look into the always interesting and sometimes frightening world of public librarianship. Stay tuned for more stories starting in October!

Belly rubs and needy patrons

Ah, my last few days here at the library before maternity leave. Let's take stock. In the last two days:

3 patrons put their hands on my belly (without asking permission, of course).

1 patron called to me for computer help from several yards away, "Excuse me! Pregnant lady!"

2 more patrons informed me that I am having a boy.

1 patron informed me that I am having a girl.

Then there is the problem of my providing good customer service, also known as being nice. I never thought this was a negative character trait, but the past couple months are making me think that this is exactly the case.

Yesterday a woman was using the computer to save a document (some sort of flyer on the healing power of meditation), and she asked for help. I immediately recognized her as one of our more annoying computer regulars. Her usual refrain is, "If you don't help me [insert Internet activity such as to access an electronic account without knowing her own password] I am gonna be homeless!" Nevertheless, I am here to serve, so I went with her to show her, slowly, how she could save her document to her floppy disk, as well as how to email the document to herself. She refused to allow me to show her how to attach the document to her email message, though, preferring that I help her "make the words go from here [pointing at Word doc] to here [pointing at email message]." I proceeded to show her how to copy and paste. Much like the I-know-what-I-am-doing patron of some posts ago, she exclaimed over the huge number of steps involved in accomplishing this. "How will I ever remember that tomorrow?" she wailed.

I knew that if I didn't do something, she would just ask someone again tomorrow, and seeing as I am interested in helping patrons to become self-sufficient on the computers, I told her I would write up the steps for her. I typed them up and she was all gratitude. Thank goodness she then left.

This afternoon, my coworker came to my desk in the back room where I was staffing the (extremely dead) phones. She said that a woman was asking for me (I assume "pregnant lady" was how I was described, seeing as she didn't know my name) to help her at the computer because yesterday I had "written her a note." I explained that I did write down the steps for her, but ew, "written her a note" sounds so personal, yuck!

My coworker saved me by letting her know that I was incredibly busy, but geez, why can't people just accept help from whomever is at the desk??? I must develop my mean and sarcastic side to ward off all of these creepy hangers-on.

It's hard being the librarian princess.

Shoo, Mr. MLM, shoo, shoo!

Ugh.

A coworker just came back to tell me that Mr. MLM is asking for me on the phone. I am not working on anything for him, so I told her to say I am on my maternity leave and won't be back for several months...well, this time next week it will be true, isn't that close enough?

Friday the 13th

Yes, Friday the 13th can bring out the weirdos...especially at the library. There were no less than three incidents at work last Friday.

I. The Angry Guy
A man was working on his laptop and simultaneously talking on his cell phone in the children's area. See the earlier post on cell phones to understand why this is particularly odious behavior. A staff member approached the guy and told him that cell phones aren't allowed in the library. The guy waved her away and finished his conversation, after which he began to freak out and verbally abuse the staff using some colorful expletives in the process. He also called the library a police state (?). He then went to check out his materials, cursing up a storm the whole time. Another staff member told him he was being disruptive and had to leave...but of course he wouldn't (they never do). The police were called, but the man left before they arrived (they always do).

II. The Harry Hater
A woman was observed approaching children in the children's section and trying to get them not to read Harry Potter books. She was told she needed to stay away from other patrons unless they approached her, so she went outside. Staff watched on the security cameras as she waved at each person entering the building, as well as approached cars that were driving by. Several other patrons complained about her creepiness, and one threatened to call the cops himself! Not sure how this one resolved...

III. The Jewelry Hawker
Yet another patron was seen displaying her handmade jewelry in the children's area and attempting to sell it to other patrons. This is not exactly what we mean when we say we can help you get started with your small business.

My biggest concern is: all the weirdos are hanging out in the children's area! Yet parents consistently believe that this is a good place to leave their 4-year-old alone while they go upstairs to check their MySpace accounts.

Why is it that you have to submit an application to adopt a dog from the Humane Society, but anyone can have a child?

Computers and patrons don't mix

A large percentage of the people who enter our library are there to use the computers. Unfortunately, many of these people are unfamiliar with computers, and we spend a lot of time helping them attach documents to email, open attachments from email, print pictures of the grandkids or celebrities, find Google (the address bar is particularly confusing for many patrons), etc.

Most patrons are grateful for our help and are polite. Some are not.

One of the latter types of patrons is in quite frequently. He is one of the worst of these types of computer users, because he thinks he is a computer expert. He's not. Anyway, he approached the desk and showed me a color printout of a photo from the web.

"I want this to print bigger," he demanded.
"Okay, let me show you how to do that," I said.
"I know how to do it, I know how to do a lot of things with computers," he countered.

Hmm. I thought about how to proceed. Ignore? Give attitude? Be polite? I decided to be polite, because who am I kidding, I always go that way.

"Oh? How do you make the image larger?" I asked as if I really cared to know.
"I press the button that makes it bigger and it prints bigger."

I was pretty sure I knew which "button" he was talking about, and I was also pretty sure that this would not work to print the image larger.

"Well, so, how do you do it?" the patron demanded.

I explained that since our library computers were not equipped with photo editing software, I usually used Publisher to manipulate the size of an image before printing.

"But that's like 20 steps, it would take forever to do all the images I have to print!" he said after I showed him how to copy the image and paste it into Publisher. Which, by the way, involves 3 steps. "My way is much faster."

"But, my way gives you more control," I said with a touch of snottiness (I couldn't help it).

In the end, I told him to use whatever way he wanted, and he finally left the desk. I didn't tell him that he only gets to print 10 pages in color each week...

Sorry about lameness

Things are slowing down for the summer, so I apologize for the lameness of the last couple stories. I never thought I would hope for weirdos to come into the library!!!

The return of Mr. MLM

A couple weeks passed since I last heard from Mr. MLM. Then a new question appeared in our queue, having to do with tracking down a man who is supposedly living in the Philippines. Mr. MLM is apparently trying to find someone who owes him money (or something). Someone answered him (not I, I learned my lesson) by mailing the contact information for the U.S. Embassy in Manila, along with some other information.

A couple days later, Mr. MLM apparently came into the library. He said he lost the information that was mailed to him, and could someone please track it down for him again. When the person helping him had trouble finding exactly the same information, Mr. MLM became flustered, and said we should keep copies of everything we sent to people through the mail. Little does he realize that most people we help have access to email (which I am convinced he does too and simply refuses to give his address to us) so that we can easily forward along links and attach documents for them. He is one of a handful of annoying people who generally refuse to come to the library to pick up information we find, and insist that we mail it.

However, he was convinced that it was somehow our fault that he lost the information we mailed, and our responsibility to track it down again. The poor staff member did the best he could. Then, just before Mr. MLM left, he pulled two unopened envelopes out of his pocket.

"Can you find me information on these companies?" he asked.

The envelopes had information on them promising that "you, too, could make thousands at home in your spare time." I guess that solves the mystery of the pyramid scheme research requests.

Mr. MLM

One of the responsibilities of librarians at our library is to answer reference questions that patrons send by email. These questions sit in a queue and we claim them and work on them as we have time. If a question comes in via the phone, and it is going to take longer than 5 minutes to answer it, we add it to the queue. This becomes a bit complicated when the patron doesn't have (or refuses to give us) an email address, so we then need to call the patron back or snail mail them what we find. This can be annoying in the extreme, as we play phone tag, or try to convey all the information in a huge article over the phone (to patrons who are often hard of hearing), or need to mail massive amounts of paper to these patrons ("Can't you just print out the whole website for me?" is one of my least favorite questions), or they hit us with a barrage of additional questions when we call.

A patron who often contacts us via the phone has started appearing in the queue of questions. I foolishly took his question requesting information on three multi-level marketing companies (otherwise known as pyramid schemes). I found some little blurbs on how the companies operate legally, but some question their morality, yada yada. Of course, Mr. MLM doesn't have email (or so he says). And he requests that we call him with the info we find. I call him and tell him I found some brief info on these companies, and he asks me to mail it. *Sigh*. So, I print all of this up and snail mail it to him.

A week later, he calls back and asks for me. This is not good. I really need to come up with a fake name for when patrons ask. He says the information was just wonderful, and could I please look up some more companies for him. I ask how many.

"Sixty," he says.

Crap, I think.

I explain to him that his request goes beyond the scope of what we can research for him.

"Well, what if I just give you 2 or 3 companies at a time over several weeks or months?" he pleads.

Okay, technically, this would be okay, but I just know it's a nightmare waiting to happen. I frantically think of some way to put him off, but I can't think of a reason to say no to his request. So I let him know that we can do that, and he gives me his next three companies. I enter them in the queue as a new question. However, no one claims the question for several days, most likely because a) he is a patron that annoys everyone and b) he requests that we call him, and we all hate calling people.

Finally I relent and claim the question, print more of the same crappy info, and mail it to him. Another week passes, and a coworker approaches me, saying that Mr. MLM is asking for me on the phone. This is so not good. I realize that I must cut this guy off, or I am doomed to become his "personal librarian." I tell him that he needs to give his companies to whoever answers the phone.

"But you send such great information!" he protests.

"Well, actually, someone else worked on your question this last time," I lie.

This convinces him. I enter his next three companies. I make myself a promise never to claim his questions again. Strangely, I haven't seen him in the queue for more companies since. Hmm.

to be continued....

No cell phones in the library

About two years ago, the library banned cell phone use. This was seen as a victory by most of the staff, as well as some of our more vocal and annoying patrons.

"It's about time!" and "Finally, a suggestion from the public is answered!" many a patron was heard to say as they glimpsed one of the new signs.

Unfortunately, the joy was soon dampened by the fact that no one actually stopped using their cell phones. So, basically, people kept letting their phones ring and kept talking on their phones, only now, we had to go badger them to turn them off. And just so you know, "There are no cell phones in the library, could you please turn yours off?" apparently means "Go ahead and continue to talk on your phone (or let it ring) as you make your way slowly downstairs, finish your conversation halfway down, and then leave your phone on and go back to your original seat."

I once saw a man jabbering on his phone (he was trying to hide from me behind a pillar). As I approached him and gave my spiel, he kept talking and turned and walked right into the men's restroom.

I have chased people around as they tried to avoid me. I have had people tell me that their call is an emergency, and they should be able to take it. My coworker stood in front of a woman and told her repeatedly that she needed to go outside to use her phone, while she continued to carry on her conversation, only to have her burst into tears and yell at him (when she had finally finished, of course). Other patron protestations include:

"But I'm just checking my voicemail!" (hmm, I don't speak to my voicemail, do you?)

"This is important."

"Oops! Sorry!" (phone rings 5 minutes later) "Oops! Sorry!" (and 5 minutes later) "Oops!..."

"My friend is telling me what to search for in Google."

"I know there's no cell phones!!!"

"Oh, there's no cell phones?"

The most common reaction is for the person to nod at me while finishing their conversation, then hanging up and leaving their phone on, ready for the next call. Some people will pick up and leave all their personal items, including laptops, and run outside to take a call, then get upset when somebody has made off with their computer (hello, library is a public building, not your living room). My favorite is when they flee down the stairs to get away from me, and then the staff at the Info Desk on the first floor yell at them, too (they are much better at the yelling that I am). Ha ha ha! You cannot escape so easily!

****

Once my phone rang at my cubical in the back room.

Me: "Hello?"
S: (whispered) "Hi."
Me: (recognizing that it is my husband calling) "Hi! Are you here to pick me up?"
S: (still whispering) "Yes, where should I meet you?"
Me: "I'll meet you out front. Why are you whispering?"
S: "Because I'm in the library."

Day 7, I might lose it.

Today marks seven days in a row at the library (don't ask, it was a stupid and fatal mistake of shift switching to be nice). I simply can't take another patron asking me:

"When are you due?"
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"Is this your first?"

First of all, why do these people care? I don't go around asking personal questions of them, although it could go something like:

(Upon seeing a wedding ring:) "Are you married? What does he/she do? Is this your first marriage?"
(Upon smelling a patron's funk:) "Is that cat-box I smell? Do you have a cat? How many? Males or females?"
(Upon spotting a rug:) "How long have you worn a toupee? Does it itch?"

I mean, maybe if the people had a nice thing to say as well, like "Congratulations!" or "You look fantastic!" I wouldn't mind, but they don't! They just feel that they are entitled to know everything about me simply because my belly sticks out and has a baby in it. So I have come up with the solution of making a little sign for the back of my I.D. tag (which hangs at the exact height of my belly):

Due Date: July 30th
Gender: Surprise
First Child: Yes
Thank You.

It's more polite than I should be, but I must maintain my sweet librarian image. Little do they know.

TV Guide Guy

When I first started working at the Cozyland Regional Library, I noticed that our message board for the office had one corner that was dedicated to a daily tally. It read: "TV Guide Guy." Under it was today's date, then hash marks. I asked what this tally was for, and this is when I first learned of the TV Guide Guy.

For years and years, a patron has called the Cozy County Answer Line to have the staff read to him from the TV Guide. He would ask the staff member to read the schedule, and then to read summaries of the shows he was interested in (generally seedy talk shows with summaries like, "I Slept with my Brother and had His Two-Headed Lovechild"). The Answer Line has a time limit of about 5 minutes per call, so they would cut off TV Guide Guy and he would call back. This would go on all day everyday. So, a rule was made that each patron had a limit of 3 calls per day. Keep in mind that he is the only patron (with some minor and temporary exceptions) for whom the library has had to enforce this rule.

At some point, TV Guide Guy began asking that news headlines (mostly Canadian) be read to him over the phone, while he repeated them into a tape recorder. I am told that TV Guide Guy is visually impaired, and that he records the headlines, then has someone (I can't even imagine the suckiness of having to do this job) read the articles he is interested in aloud to him at a later time.

Also at some point, TV Guide Guy realized that if he called the Answer Line three times, he could then get three more calls out of the Cozyland Regional Library staff (these being two separate services, you see). Hence the tallying of his calls for each day.

For almost a year, I never once got TV Guide Guy on the phone. All I knew about him, besides the tally, was that I would occasionally overhear a coworker on the phone with him. You could tell, because the call went something like this:

"Father kills daughter with machete. (pause)
Government sends secret forces to Yemen. (pause)
Tornado kills 18 and one cow. (pause)
12 year-old boy rapes 3."

And so on.

The first time I answered the phone and it was him, I didn't even know. All he said was, "611 News dot com this is my second call." I also neglected to check my clock when the call started, so I ended up staying on with him for eight minutes instead of five. I felt so used.

But I did get to add a hash mark with a pretty aqua marker.

Introducing Whoop! G0ldberg Lady

WGL's first phone call of the day (of several, I have no doubt):

Me: Cozyland Regional Library, how may I help you?
WGL: Can you tell me when Evan Almighty is playing at MEH Cinemas?
Me: Sure, just a moment.
(I learned long ago that it is best to place WGL on hold while searching, to avoid the endless questions such as "Do you like Red Robin? Is it bad that I like it?" and "Is movie popcorn fattening?")
Me: Okay, Evan Almighty is playing at MEH Cinemas at 11:15am, 2:00pm...
WGL: 11:15, okay. Did you see it?
Me: No.
WGL: Is it supposed to be good?
Me: I don't know.
WGL: What's the number for the Cozy County Answer Line?
(Note: This service is conducted about 30 feet from where I am sitting, and is staffed by very nice people. However, I am always willing to share the joy of WGL.)
Me: It's 425-...
WGL: Is there an 800 number?
Me: Yes, it's 800-555-5000.
WGL: And they are there right now?
Me: Yes.
WGL: And the number is 425-5000?
Me: No, it's 800-555-5000.
WGL: Can I call back later if I have more questions?
Me: .......sure.

Must you bless my belly?

A former co-worker came in a few days ago to visit. She made it a point to come by my desk and ask how I was feeling. After I told her how very well I was and thanked her, she placed her hands (uninvited, mind) upon my belly and began praising the "father of Abraham" and entreating him to watch over my baby. This went on for several more praisings, then she left.

My belly was offended that she didn't mention Sarah.

Selectively mute?

More proof that librarians are not even worth the breath required to speak.

A youngish, short man in dark t-shirt and underwear-bearing slouchy shorts approached the desk. He was wearing huge dark sunglasses and had headphones around his neck playing loudly enough that I could hear the music quite clearly (you may be imagining bad R&B, and you would be correct).

The man ignored my greeting, took a piece of scratch paper, scribbled on it, then handed it to me. It said "cufflinks."

"Did you lose some cufflinks?" I asked.

(silence and staring ahead through dark glasses)

"Okay, let me see if any have been turned in. Nope, no cuff links."

(picks up paper and points at computer screen)

"Oh, you need a book about cuff links?"

(slight nod of head)

"Okay, let me see what I can find." I type "cufflinks" into the catalog, and only get one jewelry appraising book. "Was this the sort of thing you were looking for?"

(exasperated shake of head)

"Well, that's all that's coming up for me."

"That's funny, because I saw a book on cuff links here last week," the man says in perfect English.

"Oh, well, maybe it's two separate words, then?" I say and search. Sure enough, there are a couple books on the elusive cuff links (two separate words).

I write down the call number and direct him to the third floor, "where all the other books on fashion are!" I say (hopefully loudly enough to be audible by several other library patrons).

Come for the stories

My friends often ask me, "So, any new stories about crazy people in the library?" As a librarian at a large regional branch in the greater Seattle area, I meet my share of "interesting" people, and often expound (well, mostly just vent) about the most eccentric of them. I thought that my friends might enjoy reading about them here on this brand-spanking-new blog when they (or anyone else, for that matter) have a jonesing for a good crazy-person story. If crazy people aren't your thing, I will also include reference questions that come my way which fall under the "there are no stupid questions, but geez that's pretty close" category. All in good fun.

I was inspired by the blog Tales from the Liberry. He gets some really interesting characters over there, too.

I have to admit that with our first child due at the end of July, this may quickly become a baby blog with library stories on the side, but for now, I hope you enjoy these tales. Hopefully you will remember them, and say something nice to the librarian the next time you are in a library.